Spirits

I spent a lot of nights on the run
And I think oh, like I’m lost and can’t be found
I’m just waiting for my day to come
And I think oh, I don’t wanna let you down
Cause something inside has changed

Dan,

How often have we discussed our futures on this blog? This unknowable future seems to be a favorite topic, whether we are considering how we wish to grow or where we want to be. Optimism for what’s to come is in our hearts, as much as we would scoff at anyone telling us that to our faces.

In the last decade your belief in better things seems to have grown, I’m sure we have your wife to thank largely for that. For me, it comes and goes and I would most likely blame the things I’ve lost for helping falter my hope but often I only have myself to blame. Because of this, the reality of my own eventual death hasn’t fazed me much in the last few years.

I assumed I would have a stroke in my later life and there would be an Irish wake of sorts, I always liked that the Irish mourned with whiskey and music. Since my divorce my assumption has been that I will die alone but would be remembered happily by friends and extended family, your liver will have given out a year prior so there is no obligation to give a moving speech.

None of this is to say that I looked forward to my death; I’ve just been practical as people who think too much often are. I have never been the most important person in someone’s life, and that has been fine with me. I know I’ve played a very key role in many lives and I have been very content in that for almost three decades. I think when you’re alone you accept things as they are; death is just included in that. It’s not morbid, just a natural conclusion.

Things are changing though and I am making optimistic and possibly foolhardy plans, and this terrifies me. I am a person who has been cautious in her choices, I debate pros and cons until seasons change and I don’t often jump into things with reckless abandon. But right now I am planning a future and the scariest thing about this is that I am planning it with another person.

I am no longer envisioning a life on my own, and I am becoming that important person in someone’s life. This is a very weird feeling, and writing all this down means I can’t take back everything that I’m experiencing. I’m acknowledging how true this feeling is, as much as I want to underplay what is happening.

All of this is to say, I don’t want to think about my own demise. I don’t want to discuss how it’s all inevitable; I want to focus on the things that I can still create. And maybe I want to think less on the future and more on what is happening right now.

In the moment,

Adair